Four long years

Firstly, I want to apologise to those who previously commented on my posts.

Life got in the way of my writing and weight loss journey. I haven't been on here in years, and quite frankly, after 6-12 months I forgot I even created this blog. Mostly due to the fact I gained weight, and was busy doing other things like saving to buy our first home and renovating our house.

I really hope everyone else has reached their goals and are living happy fulfilled lives.

My weight loss journey has turned into a weight gain journey and has created problems and worries for me. I am still with my partner of 6 years, who is still personal training. I however, gave up on personal training several years ago due to a high level of embarrassment.

Instead of having a series of inspiring weight loss photos I have a series of photos documenting my weight gain. Along with those I have my first ever stretch marks, unwanted cellulite and a  chin that almost touches my chest when I lay down.

I am at my lowest point. I swore I'd never let myself get to this point. Ever. I used to think the more you weighed, the easier it is to lose weight. It is not. It gets harder.

We recently did a detox which included 2 weeks of nothing but fruit and vegetables, introducing some light proteins in week two. On this, I lost 4.5kgs, so I know it is possible once I make the decision to commit. That was 7 weeks ago.

At my absolute heaviest I weighed in at a SHOCKING 116.7kgs. I am mortified. I sank into a depression. I haven't bought new clothes in over a year because I cannot bear to buy jeans larger than an Australian size 18. I can get into an 18, but it causes the ever grotesque muffin-topping. After my detox, I reached 112.7kgs. I have since gained almost 2kgs and weight in currently at 114.6kgs.

I am now finally, after many tries, committing myself to finally make my weight loss journey. I have some new goals to keep me on track to think about daily.

I want to fit into size 12 clothes again.
I want to feel healthy and happy about myself.
I want to be able to run 5km without stopping.
I want to feel sexy wearing bathers or underwear.
I want to fuel my body with the best foods to help my body last longer.
I want to not wonder what I look like from certain angles.
I want to feel attractive again, especially when out with friends. Getting checked out really builds a girls self esteem.
I want to go shopping and come home happy with a bunch of new clothes I could fit into.

I feel like I have almost given up on the idea that I could be beautiful. I don't have a bad looking face, but now, it's overshadowed by my body. I am defined not as a person, but as a "fat person". The worst part is, in my own head I have defined myself as a "fat-person". But I am fighting this. I am surrounded by friends and family who tell me I am beautiful all the time. I believe it. I just need to believe in myself.

Also, I am full of fear.

Fear of failure.
Fear that if I succeed, I will have saggy skin all over.
Fear that I will gain it all back.

I am fighting these fears with every ounce of my being. I have to tell myself I can do it! If I have any excess skin then so what? I will save up and get surgery if I must, and once it's done, I son't want to go back.

I am  a month away from turning 25. It's go time!

I am in the process of finding a personal trainer away from my work (I still do customer service at the gym I used to work at). It is unbelievably difficult to train where you work when overweight. These people see me every day. They are the ones who will judge me. I have claimed I am losing weight so many times I feel like the boy who cried wolf. SO I am doing it right. A personal trainer or regular boot camp sessions, a healthy eating plan (based on the detox as I know that it works and I have faith in it), and a supportive close knit group of people who know what I am doing and support me, including my mum, partner and best friend.

This of course includes anyone reading this blog. I'm not ready to take this public as far as social networking goes. Though I am sure once I reach my goal weight, I wont mind sharing it.

I am scared. I am determined. I am gassy... just kidding! (well the last one anyway). I really am determined. I feel as if every slip up I have had, every diet I have been on has been preparing me for this time. The time for talk is over. It's time for action.

My first goal:
To weigh 94.6kgs or less by christmas eve.
To commit to, and follow through with at least 3 personal training sessions or bootcamp sessions per week. Plus daily interval training(walking and jogging).
To follow our heathy eating plan at least 80-90% of the time.

It's just over 20 weeks to Christmas so thats just under a kilo a week. Totally doable!

I would love to feel comfortable enough to go take pole dancing lessons, go horse riding and start martial arts. Once I reach my goal, I will reward myself with one, or all of these activities.

This is a big commitment, it is going to be tough. BUT I will succeed. I must. I want to live my life to the fullest. No more stepping back. No more staying home. No more saying yes to unhealthy foods. No more avoiding exercise. No more negative mindset. No more excuses!